The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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