he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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