My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
