So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
