nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
