He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
