Betty ford says i'm here all night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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