Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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