I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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