Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
