I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
