Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
