I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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