our cab driver is having phone sex.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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