update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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