I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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