this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
