Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
