her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
