just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
