i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
