Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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