I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So many bounce houses so little time
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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