What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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