Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
