but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
