you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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