i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
