i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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