I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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