Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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