I have demons in me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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