I think i sorta joined a cult last night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
