I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
