those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
