lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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