Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
