Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My feet surprised me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize