My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
