Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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