I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
