I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
