I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
