dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
