you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
