I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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