I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
