I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
