It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
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He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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