when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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