Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
