U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
