you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
