PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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