his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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