watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
