I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
