i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
