Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
