i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's never too late to be topless.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
