I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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