Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.