There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just blew my weed a kiss
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.