My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.