Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
