I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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