hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
