I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
