Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
